How to Release Control: Type A Success with a Type B Approach


January is the time when everyone talks about the habits they want to start, the weight they want to lose, the smoking they want to quit, all the things they can control. But sometimes we put things on that list that really don’t belong: get the perfect job, find the perfect real estate deal, have a transcendent meditation experience. These things are not really in our scope of direct control. So how do you still achieve a big goal that you have no actual influence on? The deceptively simple answer is stop trying to influence it.

*RELATED Goal Getters: How to Set Goals You Are Sure to Smash

It is age-old dating advice (of the most eye-roll-inducing sort) that if you really want to find someone, stop looking. Type A personalities, and very driven people, particularly hate this kind of advice because there is nothing to actually do. This kind of advice for a goal-oriented individual could be likened to telling an angry person to calm down.

Well, the advice is right and wrong. Yes, stop focusing onit, but you cannot stop focusing on something by just stopping you’ll constantlyreturn to the thought and how you are supposed to be ignoring it. Stopping theenergy is just one step, you then need to refocus on something that you cancontrol in order to put your energy to work and release the stress ofdesperately trying to herd the cats that are your uncontrollable goals.

What areas in your life do you want to change but just don’t seem to be budging? Are these things you obsess over and have tried multiple different ways of approaching it without success? If so, this is a great candidate for the something you can’t control title.

When we focus on the things that we really can control weshift our energy and our awareness. For instance you want to buy a house butcannot afford it yet, and despite all of your efforts, you have yet to figureout how to amass a down payment or find neighborhood you are 100% on. Somethingyou can absolutely control in the meantime, is loving where you live now. Youlikely have also probably been neglecting that topic out of frustration ofwanting to save money or request yet another list of real estate agentreferrals from your friends. You cannot force yourself to win the lottery tofinish your down payment.

However, you can force yourself to deep clean the place your renting, hang up some prints you get at the upcoming Coconut Grove Arts Festival, burn some sage, and maybe hit up your landlord for some nagging repairs. If you are focused on loving where you are right now, the anxiety about buying a place will likely subside, and you won’t have the attention span to have such a tight grip on whether it happens or not and how. When you relax yourself around the topic of saving and open houses, you will be more open and aware, maybe leading you to suddenly see a foreclosure sign in front of a cool house on your way to work that you had missed the last several months.

Focus on the things that are maybe related, but not directattempts to control what it is that you want to happen. If you feel youdesperately need a new job, but have done indeed searches, networking, resumemail-outs, the works, take a step back from the actual hunt. Focus instead onhow to use your current position to beef up your resume, is there a project youare interested in? A committee you want to join? This triggers new creativityand removes the intensity from the search, leaving you open to newopportunities and gives you the chance to polish a new skill that will be handyto mention when the perfect interview comes along.

Or focus on a different part of your life entirely; maybeeven though your uncontrolled goal is not going well, you feel like you havenever been more into your workout routine in your life. Is now the time tofocus on a new fitness goal like an obstacle race or marathon? Sometimes justreprioritizing the things that are already going well can make us more gratefulfor what we have and reminds us that everything is not wrong. It allows us toput more trust in ourselves that no matter how it all works out, it willall work out in the end.

Letting go is not just helpful in finally letting us hit the goal we have had a hold on, it will also make us happier, calmer, and more patient people in the meantime.

Sarah Russ, LCSW is a mental health professional in Miami focused on practical, actionable therapeutic strategies for mental well-being in a world of overstimulation and misconceptions about what constitutes true self-care. Sarah received her Master of Social Work from NYU and has been working in mental health for seven years. She specializes in healthy coping strategies and crisis management for those with chronic illnesses, substance use, and anxiety. You can follow her @mentalhealthformillenials or schedule a session with her at Arvon & Associates in Aventura, Doral, or Virtually by calling 305-936-8000.

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